(= Conquering fear =)

I need to clear my head...so I'll tell you right now this can end up being a long note (and probably repetitive at times). And most likely all over the place because well that's just how I think.

Writing keeps me sane. But if this note hurts someone out there, let me know, I can take it down.

I've pretty much told most of my close family (aside from my grandmother who I'd rather tell in person when she comes to Winnipeg in a few days) by now, so I guess it's fair to share this with whoever chooses to read this.

I recently met my biological father for the very first time in my life.

And it's all thanks to facebook.

It's been something I've thought about for almost 20 years of my life. I'm 25 now.

About a month ago, I worked up the courage (thanks to a sister I recently discovered I had) to message him. He seemed a little shocked to hear from me actually, but took it in strides. We eventually met face to face.

This wasn't the first time. I've seen him three times before.

I actually bumped into him a few years ago. Literally. Something you would only see in a movie. But those of you who know me, get it. Oddly, these types of things happen regularly...just my luck I find myself saying often.

Anyway, he was getting coffee, he had a tray full of coffee from Timmy's. It was at the corner of Portage and Carlton. I was busy reading last minute notes cause I was going to pitch a story. My very first story to be exact. This is back when I first started at aptn as an intern.

So basically were both busy doing our own thing and just like that, bumped shoulders (I asked him about this but he doesn't remember). He did look pre-occupied and in a hurry.

But at the time I swear he knew my face. How could he not. I look like my mother (and like him).

Anyway. I just cowardly apologized for getting in the way. Watched him walk away (probably with a dropped jaw.lol)... and eventually went to work where I pitched my story, producers bit. And I filed my very first story! Which, I'm bringing up just to show how the meeting eventually was pushed off into memory territory of my brain.

I'm not your average person. I'm normally straight forward, hardly shy, and definitely not a coward. But when it came to my biological father, the topic always made me squirmy. Cowardly. Restless. Because to be honest, I let fear get in the way.

I feared the worst. That he would deny me. But it went beyond that.

What if he had a family of his own. Would they accept me? Would I get in the way? Would I ruin a family?

Looking back now... I believe I held off for so long as I did, because well...I wasn't always this strong. Well, it's not even about being strong, it's more about being understanding. That's the word.

Looking back, I can see the way I was raised contributed to who I am today. And I am so grateful for having so many positive influences in my life.

But back then...I couldn't always see it that way. I've dealt with all of what I'm about to say already. But somehow it's all resurfaced. And I think it has to do with the fact that I want to have an honest relationship with the man, and he was curious to know my life story....so this is what triggered it.

Basically, I was a pass around kid. My mother kept me for the first few months. Followed by my grandmother... who really only watched me sometimes. The other times it was my aunties. Mainly Karla.

From there it was for the majority my great-grandmother. She is the foundation of my life. She's since passed on but like I've said in many other posts...she is my world. my inspiration. my best friend. my fighting partner. my everything. As the years went on we were able to share so much with one another (and I even got a chance to tell her the majority of my feelings...aside from when it came to my biological father)...anyway I'm sidetracking.

So I would go from great-grandmother, to mother, to grandmother, to aunt, to motheragain , to great uncles, and back again to whoever at the time could handle me. Or until I could handle much of them.

At a really young age, I learned how to become a terrible brat. I was aware of my setting at a young age. It didn't help that there were lots of unspoken words as to how I became without a fixed home.

At one point my great-grandmother couldn't handle me anymore. I was still a child. Maybe 7, 8, or 9. No one else was around. She couldn't handle me. She took me to my father's parents home. She told them I was their problem from now on.

I can't remember the exact number of days (I think it may have been two?) but I stayed there. But it did do a number on me. For one thing, to hear her say to others that no one wanted me...two, these people were strangers. And three, to hear them talk about whether or not I was even their son's kid was pretty damaging.

She eventually came back for me. Tried to make up for it, and I took advantage of that. For years to come. Cause, she didn't want me to let others know she did such a cruel thing.

The way my family works. When you piss off a Wilson, a Wilson gets revenge. At least that's how it used to be. We were a hurtful bunch. We retaliated. And using guilt was our best friend.

I'm not a big fan of dumping the responsibility on someone or something, but I know this is part of the whole residential school era stuff. At least now I do.

And I'm not making any excuses for anyone, including myself... But this system allowed all sorts of abuses to take place within the family. Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Spiritual abuse...you name it. I saw it.

Like I said...no excuses. But becoming aware of where this nasty cycle surfaced from... made it a lot easier to forgive.

Anyway, at a young age. I became a master at the Wilson system. I knew how to get my way. I knew who to run to and when. I learned how to manipulate everyone around me.

And before anyone could catch on... I would use guilt. I said the most hurtful things imaginable. I always wanted someone to hurt more than I did. And I didn't like other kids ( I loved them cause they were family...but couldn't handle sharing).

Like I said...Now at 25, I've dealt with all this. I've forgiven myself and others for the vicious cycle of my family's past.

It's natural though. I get that. I chose to be honest. It's something I value these days.

I told him that I did always think about contacting him. I told him that I looked him up in the phone book. I told him I found out he was raising two kids. I can go on and on.

But as much as I was scared to tell him I realize now, that I'm happy with the way things turned out.

Yes, I missed out, and he missed out on 25 years. But we can't change that.

And as much as I used to be a hurtful person.... I am grateful my biological father didn't live in The Pas the majority of my life.

I found out (within the last few weeks) that he lived there for 2 years (when I started to become a teenager) ...but I'm very grateful I didn't know, cause this was when I was in my prime hurtful years.

I realize, if I had known him then...we both would've been resentful to one another today.

But more importantly... I would've did a lot of damage to my siblings.

Don't get me wrong. I am disappointed in myself.

I am disappointed in the unspoken words. I am disappointed in my mother not fighting harder for me. I am disappointed in my grandmother, and great-grandmother for butting in.

I am disappointed in my father for not trying harder and letting the words of others get to him. And most importantly, I am disappointed because I missed out on growing up with my three siblings on my father's side. But I can't change it. Any of it.

And now, the key lies in the future. What's to come.

I am honored that my father admitted to my face that he wasn't always a good person. That he was selfish when he was younger. I am honored that he gave me a glimpse into his family life as well.

I was especially glad to find out he fought hard to keep his two youngest kids...it made me feel good knowing that even though he wasn't there for me, he got over his selfishness in time for them, when they needed him the most. And to me...that's what counts today.

I see how hard he works for his family. How hard he tries.

And when he wanted to know about me I told him some of the bad, to get that understanding. But I chose to focus more on the positive side of things.

Aside from all the manipulation... I did have positive influence. A really great one at that. Obviously. I'm 25, I have my own place, pay my own bills, I'm educated. I've experienced love. And I have a wonderful career.

And it's all thanks to my upbringing. My happy times out weigh my hard times.

I did have four loving moms (mother, aunt, grandma, and great grandma)...plus other great female influences.

I got to travel all over North America. Do things I wanted to do. Live (even if it was only for a few months) in many different places.

But more importantly... I have had every step of the way, the best siblings anyone can ask for. Two biological sisters who are wise beyond their years, have seen me at my worst and still love me. A brother who's seen harder days than I have. And two cousins, who are just like a brother and sister...whom I also had my fair share in playing a part in their upbringing.

And I did/still have a dad. A great one at that. He accepted me as his own. As did his entire family. This I am forever grateful for. And he will always be my dad.

I also had another father figure as a child. Who was mainly good to me. He may not have been to others in my family but was a positive experience for me.

I also had many uncles, and great uncles...who were like father figures.

And later, a grandpa who was just like another father (who also brought along more family to enjoy and love).

This probably hurt my biological father to hear it. And I can honestly say I'm not doing it on purpose. Not like I used to do things. We decided early on to both be adults as we take our relationship as daughter/father further.

Now...As each new day comes I look forward to every new thing I learn about my newly discovered family. Even though I'm just meeting the man and my three siblings...I can honestly say I love them.

It's a little strange to think about all the similarities I have with them... looks, actions, understanding... but it's rewarding at the same time. To think, even with so much time apart, we're connected. And that I value and love so much.

I'm ready for the sibling relationship and/or father and daughter one to get stronger and deeper.

But if it doesn't, I'm perfectly okay with that too.

Because, I've conquered one of my greatest fears. Already I learned so much about life...and the curves it has for us. And this is yet another step in my journey to become a balanced healthy person.

I know I don't have any more what ifs left... at least when it comes to family. And that's a pretty good feeling. And that I am truly thankful for.

I know I'm blessed.

Lah-Lah-Love is in the air...

Wow.  I almost feel guilty for shafting this blog.  Almost.

I haven't been taking pictures recently, nor have I had the urge to write (maybe because I am working again and busy writing most days).  YAY! Only I'm only part-time...but I guess, beggers can't be choosers.

Regardless; I love it.

Oh and I love these kids.  Have a look.  I took the pictures at least a year ago, but other than growing bigger, the kids are still amazing, clever, smart, witty, funny, awesome.  You name it.  They are it.

Drayden Nicolas Charles

 

Roman Tyrone, Tyrell Stephen, and McKenna Dean

It's practically Orgasmic!

Imagine that...feeling this way alongside 16 thousand other people!  Incredible.

I don't mean to brag, well atually I do mean to brag... but you would too! I went to Metallica.  I can't even say that without smiling hysterically and getting all giddy.  I WENT TO METALLICA!  Floor tickets. 

I didn't think it was possible because back when they started selling tickets, it was sold out in seven minutes.

And here I am today...  =)  Wow.  Yeah, I'm still high from the experience.

...best show I've ever seen.

Plus Kirk totally had eye sex with me and I got a wink  (Kim even saw from a few rows of peeps back, "it must be the stripes" she says to me as she grabbed my shirt *teehee*) ...I guess it helped being the only girl pushing around a bunch of guys just to stay up close for my favorite song.

I'm not even hardcore...but last night was definitely hardcore =)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Thankful ♥ ♥ ♥

"Get up let's go get a turkey," isn't exactly a nice wake up call.   But that's the way I got up this morning.

I admit I was a little pissed off, but after laughing it off it wasn't so bad.

You see, today was thanksgiving day, and at this point in my life, thanksgiving isn't really a holiday I or my family celebrates anymore.  It's kinda impossible seeing as how most of us live in different parts of the country.  And, since my Kookum passed away, slowly but surely family gatherings have become more sparse.

It was my roomates Bridget and Kim that woke me.  And like I normally do everyday, I sat up in bed and prayed. I'm not a religious person but as soon as I wake, when I eat, and before bed, I say a quick prayer. 

Just a small gesture, I believe has carried me through thick and thin.   I give thanks for my life and everyone in it.  For the accomplishments, the love, and the everyday struggles.

Upon finishing I went into the livingroom to see if the girls were serious.   Because, let's be real here, none of us have ever cooked a turkey.

They started talking about how their families are back home eating dinner together and how they do it every thanksgiving.

I could've got mad at them, because I kinda was.  I mean, they should just be greatful we have a roof over our head, food in our fridge, and great friends to be around.

But there was something about the looks on their faces that got to me.  So I caved and got in the shower. Not without a little fight of course.

They were going on about thanksgiving, food, and family....basically making it out to be a romantical holiday, you know one of those picture perfect things you see in the movies.

Me, feeling slightly irritated because I was woken up kinda rudely and because I envied their stories because my family didn't have that in a long time, I say before I close the bathroom door to go shower, " Thanksgiving is overrated.  It died when my Kookum died."  And as I closed the door I said,  "it's already starting to die for you two."

Upon thinking about it getting ready, I thought to myself, "Kinda harsh Tiar."  I thought about my first thanksgiving away and realized that it's a big step, being away from family on a holiday.

Meanwhile around the same time I was deep in thought the girls apparently said (I couldn't hear but they told me later),  "If she wants to be miserable, let her be.  We will go by ourselves."

I laughed about it at the store when they told me, because it's not that I was trying to rain on their parade, or that I was miserable, because I woke up today far from it....  but my pride wouldn't admit to them that I was envious because they still held the holiday near and dear to their hearts, though they probably sensed it.

Anyway, after much hassle of going last minute shopping for basically everything for a thanksgiving dinner, we came home to cook.

And boy was it the experience!  We all don't cook often but when we do cook, we are used to cooking for a family..or an army as we joked...so we made a lot more food than the 3 of us could eat.

But being able to spend an afternoon cooking and chatting with the girls made me realize that holidays should be spent with people we love.  I know it's cheesy, but I was glad they made me celebrate.

Like I said, I'm a thankful person, I give thanks all the time, I don't need a date to remind me what I'm thankful for.

But again, I am reminded why days like today exist.  It's to remember the little things, the things we sometimes forget about because we're too busy living life.

So today as we prayed together before we ate we all talked about what we were thankful for.

And today, I thanked them for making me do something even though I didn't want to.  I also thanked the Creator for my family, my friends, and the people I lost a long the way.

I thanked the Creator for everything that's happened in my life.  I focused more on this past year, and gave thanks for losing and then gaining my job back because it taught me some valuable lessons.

And above all I thanked the Creator for the many (hopefully) other days I have on earth and the valuable lessons I'm going to learn.

To everyone out there that I know, I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving, just like I did, because you all mean the world to me and I want you to have the best (corny, I know!).

And as I write this right now, I'm thankful for knowing, I'll have lots of food for the next couple of days! (and then I'll have my turkey fix until Christmas).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps- By the looks of the pictures I think it's safe to say, not only did I enjoy it, but so did they.  And that's what makes me the happiest of all because they can still have their romantical holiday, only a little more different, but probably more special in the sense that they did it all on their own.

I know I feel like that this very moment =)

What's up with that?

It seems like yesterday it was summer.  And today it's snowing.  This leaves me to wonder...where did the fall go?  How come I didn't see any leaves fall off the trees?

It seems like the bulk of 2009 has been winter. It's already snowing out there!

Don't get me wrong here...  I like snow.

So what is it I'm trying to say?  We have some crazy weather!

Why though? Global warming? The earth regenerating itself? Or is it just because that's the way the cookie crumbles?

This was earlier today when I first realized it was snowing.  

Notice the tree with all it's leaves on it still in the background?  

They didn't even fall yet...and it's snowing!

I love how this looks with the noticeably 

green tree and grass still seeping through.

I love looking up into the sky as the snow falls!

This is the view outside my window. lol

And this was after a few hours of on and off snowing...

See what I mean about looking into the sky at snow.  

It`s peaceful and amazing don`t ya think...

=)  I want the layer to get thick enough and 

I`m going out there to make some snow angels (=

 

...And maybe even make a snowman tomorrow if the snow on my balcony gets even deeper.

Wii-zee does it.

I've got this new addiction.  Actually it really isn't new.

This happens every time it's around me.

I try not to allow myself to be around it so much.  But lately, my roommate Bridget and my (sometimes) roommate Kim are both users, so it's constantly in my face.

Like right now as I sit and type this, I can see it at the corner of my eye and it's like a tractor beam.

Zoooooom, it's sucking me right in.

Normally I can control myself but I find myself fiening...

I'm going down,

down,

down,

spiralling...

There isn't only one source either....I have too stare at two, day after day.

And as I stare I have to feel what it's like in my hand, so of course I hold it.  It's almost as though it should always be there in between both my hands, with my fingers wrapped around it. Caressing it.

Makes perfect sense.

Naturally.

But feeding my addiction isn't the hardest thing I have to go through.  What's harder is deciding which poison it should be when I do cave in (which by the way is 9/10 when I look that sucker in the eye).

X Box 360? Ninetendo Wii? Guitar Hero? Wii Sports? Mortal Kombat? Mario Kart?

hahahaha.  Anyway...

Seeing as how most days I don't work, I have a lot of time on my hands.  So this is what I do with it.  I almost feel guilty.  Almost.

I'm pretty champ at guitar hero. I will tell you that much.

And I'm usually champ at Wii bowling or golf...except of course today, when I decided to take pictures.  Though, trying to take a picture of myself while feeding this addiction of mine and actually playing the game at the same time isn't easy.

The picture quality isn't the greatest either but I needed something interesting (or so I like to think anyway) for this blog.  I've neglected it for far too long.

Have at 'er...

I kid you not, I accidently threw that controller at my tv once 

(I guess that's why they say you should wear the wrist band with it

...which by the way I do now!).

 

 

Cuuuurrrvve Baaaall. 

 

Stttttrrrriiikkkeee. ooooh yah.

It's usually strikes and spares (as shown) but as you can see coming up....

 

... Well I just had to throw this one in to show off now :)

 

 

Still showing off.

 

Done the game and there's my lame ass score below...

 

Normally I can get 250-280 points, no lies.  But, I've yet to get a perfect score.  But when that day comes I better have my camera near by....


Anyone up for a challenge?

ps- I guess you could say I jacked the idea (kinda) from Brent.

one-month-old Kaison

I had a little visitor today, so naturally I had to whip out my camera and take some pictures.  Mr. Kaison Crane (son of Kristen Crane [my friend Kim's little sister] ) just turned one-month and what a way to celebrate...by visiting me!

I wish I could've captured him smiling cause he does a lot of it for a small baby.  I had to put the camera away soon though because he got scared of it (lighting in my apartment is horrible so I needed to use flash...I know what you're thinking, not good for a baby!).

I did manage to get in 2 good pictures before the little guy started crying.  Enjoy!

(I know I enjoyed his company).

 

Vrooooommmm vroom

I can't believe I almost slept a full 24 hours. Wow. I wasn't lying in my last post when I said I was tired. I feel good now. Though, I kinda wish I wasn't traveling back up to the rez (and then to another one 4 hours away this weekend).

All I've done lately is travel the same three highways. #6 to easterville turn off, #60 to the pas turn off, and # 10 to where I grew up...and back again and so on and so on.

There really isn't much to see for 6 hours. Don't believe me? One of the trips I took back home, I jacked my momma's blackberry to take some pics. Now they aren't the greatest but you try taking pictures while traveling 150 kms down the highway...errrr.... I mean 100 kms if any cops are reading this. tehehe.

ps- I was pretty much with the parentals most of the trips, so most of my time was spent in the backseat.

Seriously, this is pretty much the scenery for 6 hours of driving.

This is just before the first turn off...off of a straight road for 3 hours!

Like I said earlier... it's all bush!

See the parentals in my shades?

I love to read when I have the time. Since I was in the car a lot, I got a lot done!

Hopefully after this last trek up north, my life can get back to normal in the city and back to the media gig once again.

It was good to be home though for a longer period of time other than a weekend. Before this, I can't remember the last time I spent a long period of time with the fam. It was muchly needed and appreciated. =)

...And it's all because my sister decided to tie the knot! (Which by the way, we are all so happy for her finding her one and only).

ps- she changed her last name on facebook this evening. Wow!

pps- Like I said in my last post, I really do want lots of nieces and nephews Janna and Rueben!

"...life with you makes perfect sense; you're my best friend..."

So my sister, Janna Dineen's wedding has officially come and gone. The preparing for it on the rez this past month made so much anticipation and excitement build up inside me.

The only way to describe August 29, 2009.... PERFECT! The sun was shining...and so were the bride and groom. The words of the minister were soothing, the blessings from each family were touching, the hall sparkled, and the people around to celebrate the very important day were superb company.

As much as it was fun...it was so stressful. But I can tell you it was all worth it. And as much as it was amazing, I'm glad it's all over (and so are my feet, lol).

If you noticed I didn't blog in over a month, this is the reason. I was helping my mother plan and prepare the little details (when I say little it really isn't because there were so many and it had to be for 350 guests!).

I'm so exhausted and my mind is groggy. My words don't make sense to me. lol. So instead i'll post a few of my fav pics ( even cutting the pictures down for this post is hard!) of Mr. and Mrs. Personius' special day.

Hope you enjoy =)






































Janna and Rueben taking each others hand in marriage fit this couple perfectly. They've been through so much and started out as best friends.

I remember the first day they started going out, living with them in Wpg, and everything else in between.

I wish them a lifetime of happiness (and lots of neices and nephews!).